Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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