I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
