His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
