dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
