My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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