I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
