Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
