I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
