my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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