I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
