Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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