so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
