Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
