"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i've created a new STD.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
