I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
