oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
