I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
