I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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