Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
