Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
