Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
