sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
