I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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