she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
