I cannot find my penis.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
how do flat chested girls get laid?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
