Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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