I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
