what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
