There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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