it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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