Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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