Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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