Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
