you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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