On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
