Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
