Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
