i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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