also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He shit in the fireplace
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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