i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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