I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sorry about my life...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
