i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My balls are so social today.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
