I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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