Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
