he told me I talked like a deaf person
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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