I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
