White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
