Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
