I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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