I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
